Eco-Extremists Shut Down Beethoven Concert

On Nov. 23, 2022, thousands of Germans gathered to hear the Saxon State Orchestra Dresden perform the music of Ludwig van Beethoven at the Elbphilharmonie (Elbe Philharmonic Hall) in Hamburg, Germany.

Before the orchestra could begin the performance of Beethoven’s Violin Concerto in D major, two members of Germany’s eco-extremist group known as Letzte Generation (Last Generation), seized the stage. Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do we owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?

Letzte Generation seize conductor’s podium at Elbe Philharmonic Hall in Hamburg. Photo: Last Generation.

The man and woman dressed in Day-Glow safety vests, immediately glued their hands to the conductor’s podium and began haranguing the audience about “climate collapse,” reportedly there were audible groans from the audience. Horrorshow is right, friend. A real show of horrors.

A gent in the orchestra seating area grumbled out loud: “What’s all this about  eh? Using Ludwig Van like that. He did no harm to anyone. Beethoven just wrote music!” A young man in the mezzanine stood up and shouted at the Last Generation goons: “Well, if it isn’t fat stinking billy goats in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottles of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuchs jelly thou!” A lad stood in the balcony section and yelled: “Stop! Stop, you grahzny disgusting sods. It’s a sin, that’s what it is, a filthy unforgivable sin, you bratchnies!”

In her rant the Last Generation woman outraged the audience with the following:

“I am here today because we collectively suppress the climate catastrophe and thus take away our children’s lives in security and peace! Just like there is only a violin concerto by Beethoven, we only have this one planet, the limits of which we disregard so much that climate-related disasters become more common and more deadly.

We all have to take action now and resist the criminal advancement of our rulers! There will be no more Elbphilharmonie to enjoy Beethoven when Hamburg is under water. The crisis is escalating now, before our eyes!”

Ludwig Van just wrote music!

No sooner had the words left the mouth of Last Generation, the two eco-extremists were arrested by police after solvent was used to unglue them from the podium.

Then the music coming up from the floor was our friend Ludwig Van.

Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh it was gorgeousness and gorgeosity made flesh. The trombones crunched redgold under the seats, and the trumpets three-wise silverflamed, and there by the door the timps rolling through our guts and out again crunched like candy thunder. Oh, it was wonder of wonders.

And then, a bird of like rarest spun heavenmetal, or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now, came the violin solo above all the other strings, and those strings were like a cage of silk round my seat. Then flute and oboe bored, like worms of like platinum, into the thick thick toffee gold and silver. I was in such bliss, my brothers!

Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Ludwig Van!

Great Music, it said, and Great Poetry would like quieten Modern Youth down and make Modern Youth more Civilized. Civilized my syphilised yarbles. But this does not apply to the climate cult gloopy ones. To devastate is easier and more spectacular than to create for them!

In Gold für die Kunst (Gold for Art), the annual listing of the “100 most influencial people in the art world” issued by the dims of the postmodern German art magazine MONOPOL, Letzte Generation was listed in the 19th position! Supposedly because the eco-vandals “emphasize the value of art for society.”

Ah my droogies, we can destroy what we have written, but we cannot unwrite it.

And so farewell from your little droog. And to all others in this story profound shooms of lip-music brrrrr. And they can kiss my sharries. But you, O my brothers, remember sometimes thy little Vallen that was. Amen. And all that.

______

Apologies to Anthony Burgess and his A Clockwork Orange.

No apologies to the gloopy Letzte Generation.

Tweedle-Dee & Tweedle-Dumber. Last Generation members at the Elbe Philharmonic Hall. Photographer unknown.

UPDATE: On Nov. 24, 2022, the German newspaper Junge Freiheit reported that the audience reaction to the Last Generation members disrupting the concert was intense. Catcalls of “Get out!” and “No!” were so loud the woman reciting the climate collapse speech had to stop because she couldn’t be heard.

In a separate report filed by a German Twitter user, the two eco-zealots had glued their hands to a detachable hand-rail that was part of the composer’s podium. When it was decided to remove the two from the stage, an orchestra attendant disconnected the rail from the podium, and with the disrupters still glued to the rail, used the rail as a leash to walk the culprits off stage. I include the photo of the two still glued to their leash after being ejected from the stage.

But it doesn’t stop there. Junge Freiheit went on to report that once the disrupters were kicked out of the Elbe Philharmonic Hall, Last Generation members video-taped the woman in a quiet room reading her speech in full. When the eco-zealot group released their video of the concert disruption, the vid was only 12 seconds long. That’s because the group edited-out the negative audience reaction, and replaced it with the speech made off-site.

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